Today I share West's Black Swan Dreaming of her past life Lilith story. These stories are often keys that unlock the door we are craving to open to come home and be with others again, to be whole again in ourselves. Our Lilith stories are our memories of the Wild Feminine and how she became outcast - it is a story we often feel but find it hard to express in words. The Black Swan comes to journey with the Lilith story and it is her gift for story and words that help you to find your own mythic tale and the lyrics to sing back your long lost Wolf Sister.
Thank you West for sharing your heart and words, oceans of love to you and your wild sister as you journey together now. You can read more about these sessions here.
As the journey started I walked into the forest the green light blurred. I looked up, the foliage had disappeared and a thin green membrane was above me, held up by hundreds of solid black tree trunks that disappeared into the murkiness. I started to walk into the forest but as I walked, I moved backward; every step I took dragged me back. Eventually I was blown back and I realized that the forest I was in was actually a dragon’s eye. It was Lilith’s eye. The trees were veins and the green the membrane was her skin. As I realized this I tumbled out and came face to face with her.
Lilith had the most beautiful face. In fact, as I looked upon her I knew that there was no woman who would ever be as beautiful as her. Her features were long and elegant; dark eyes, soft lips and a sharp jaw. She wore a dark blue cloak. However, the longer I looked at her I started to notice her features were morphing; fading in and out. Lilith was a Shapeshifter. Sometimes I could see the bones clearly underneath her features. Her eyes became the eyes of a wolf. She had antlers, a horse’s mane and nose, paws with feathers and wings made of quill arrows – ready to fire at a moments notice. Her legs were that of a lion and her feet were those of an eagle; strong and sharp. Yet underneath all of these morphing animal features, the woman remained; composed and peaceful. I only ever saw the left side of her face, the rest remained in shadow. “That’s just how it is.” she said. “The darkness just is.” she said. “Forget the names of good and evil, forget the names of darkness and light. That is just how it is.”
As we walked she donned a giant wooden mask, half wolf and half horse. The mask was stylized, thick lines and blocks of colour – red, green, white and blue. She wore a cloak made of moss and sticks. She stalked like a shaman steeped with magic; dancing her way through the night. We were crossing a frozen tundra together. We were in the Arctic. There was an ice-wall ahead and the Aurora Borealis danced wild green above our heads. She whispered that the Aurora Borealis were the ghost of the forests that had been. Suddenly the sky cracked and an ice-water waterfall flowed down; glacial shards piercing the tundra like flesh. The world peeled away. I found myself alone and looking in to a dark pool. The air was painful on my skin. Lilith was looking back at me from in the pool. I wanted to ask where she had gone; how had she got to the other side of the water? I missed her but I was scared. Suddenly, a white paw shot out of the water and dragged me down into the pool. The pool was a portal.
Once again I stood beside Lilith on the tundra however, I knew we were on the other side of the pool; like stepping through the looking glass, I guess. It was daylight now and the air sparkled with the cold. Looking up I saw we had broken the ice-wall. Just our presence changed things. Lilith was a Shapeshifter and Shifter of Shapes; a catalyst for change. Lilith and I walked on through the ice crevices. I marveled at the whites and blues. The next thing I knew I was looking down at a grave; my grave from a past life. The grave was open and it was all bones and dirt and a mess of long black hair. Some of the leather clothing remained but it was stained red. I looked down at the broken and dry bones with curiosity and compassion. Lilith stood beside me in reverent silence but I could sense her silent howls. She wanted me to get going. What was I to get going on? I looked down at the bones of the young girl’s hands, my hands, they were clutching a brilliant ruby red heart. If you caught the heart in the right light you could see a foxes face in the ruby.
I looked behind me, rows of Polar Bear Clan people and polar bears stood watching from afar. Some turned their faces away. A great sadness resonated through the crowd, only the bears stood strong. This Wildling girl had been of the Polar Bear Clan. There had come a time where in order for the clan to survive, to assimilate to the new ways, the Clan had needed to freeze and hide the magic. The girl was furious. I was furious. Lilith was furious. How dare they deny us? I ran. I took the magic with me. I dug my own grave with blooded hands. I froze myself along with the magic. I would not breathe without the magic. So, there I lay for thousands of years, talking to the dirt about death. I listened to the poetry of the fallen hearts rumbling in the soil. Gods came and went. I learned how nothing ever ends, just transforms. All transformations are magic. All transformations are sacred. Dirt is sacred for it transforms, and magic never leaves us, it just waits...
I snapped back out of my old life. Once again I was looking down at the bones. Lilith and I started to breathe life in to the skeleton of my old self. The wilding started to take form, wrapped in furs and weapons. We helped her stand, her eyes frantic. I held her tight, I kissed her bloodied knuckles, her blood was my blood, was Lilith’s blood. I and lent the wildling my warmth. A pack of wild beasts huddled around us; their fur keeping us safe. Lilith leaned in and with her bite, the Wilding was healed – the shock of pain telling her: “You are alive, even in death, you live on.”
Once she was warm I looked down to discover my abdomen was cut wide open and I was bleeding black. I was bleeding Lilith’s blood. This is where Lilith raged through. I was bound to this beautiful Wildling Girl with black dripping seaweed that came from this wound. The Wildling raged and tugged, she wanted to be free to run. I was in pain and my chest ached. I was guided to turn to Lilith for a sharp tool to cut the seaweed binds. However, Lilith handed me a duckling. The duckling ate the seaweed and grew into a large adult black duck. The duck waddled around my wounds, healed them and then waddled off… just doing what a duck does. “Beasts just are as they are.” Lilith said. “Never, never underestimate their medicine, no matter the form… no matter.”
Once I was healed I came face to face with my Wildling Self. Lilith watched over us as we stepped into one another and merged – becoming one. In the background was my Polar Bear Clan, they just watched. I loved my Polar Bear Clan but I could never return. I was too different. I needed to find my own clan. I needed to run wild. I needed balance of togetherness and aloneness. I could not pledge to any person. However, the Polar Bear Clan had promised to always protect me from a distance. Their protection and power echoed down through history affording me great strength and safety. I was marked with the paw. This taught me about forgiveness, letting go, and love.
I had a sudden feeling of being home. My whole body relaxed... she was home. We were home; the medicine of death, of threshold and transformation, wildness, and creation shining brilliant in my heart, Lilith at my side ready to return. And so the next journey begins – to know my medicine, to honour it well, and to be with others when the time is right while taking the time to hibernate with my beasts, the bones, and the soil when needed… and to run thresholds… to celebrate the my darkness, to realize and embrace myself and embrace Lilith.
